Of Jean Shorts and Cell Phone Belt Clips

Ah summer....
It’s the time of year for vacations, suntans, bathing suits, beaches and all manner of joyous distractions from work.

Even those living in traditionally cold climates break out the Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts for a few brief months to stave off the oppressive heat.

In my experience, the summer is also the time when you see the most appealing and also the strangest clothing of any season. In the hot weather there is no real reason to wear the bulky accoutrements of the winter spring or fall. Who wears a scarf or a windbreaker in 110 degree heat and 80% humidity (besides the homeless of course)? No one, that’s who. This is the time of year when people find all kinds of ways to wear less clothing, from cutoff shirts to jogging shorts, in the summer, less is better.

This brings me to the impetus for this post....
WHY JEAN SHORTS?!?!

I mean, I understand the logic. It's the same logic that Ron Shleplotchnik, the sweaty Polish immigrant jean short inventor, used when he came up with the idea while casing sausage meat on the South Side of Chicago:

"Man its hot in this sausage casing factory. I wish it were winter so I wouldn't be so hot and uncomfortable in these normally glorious skin tight jeans.....Hmmmm (glances over at a pair of sausage shears lying on the butcher block)."

It only makes sense that someone like the foreword thinking Shleplotchnik would take the next logical step and cut the leggings off of jeans. People like jeans, they wear them everyday. It is acceptable to wear them to the office. They are comfortable. The summer is uncomfortable. You want do get that jean comfort during the summer months. However, jeans are hot. People wear shorts in the summer, which are better in hot weather. It would only make more sense to combine the comfort of the jean with the breezy coolness of the short. Right?

ABSOLUTLEY NOT!!!

There is never an excuse for the abomination that is the jean short. Not only are they unsightly, but they also trigger heuristic impulses in the general public that cause them to assume that 1) you are redneck white trash 2) this is your first time wearing shorts 3) you are a white wanna-be gangsta 4) you are mentally impaired 4) you are a child molester or 5) you are redneck white trash.

Not to mention overweight people who pile into them revealing lily-white plump, varicose vein covered thighs and calves reminiscent of an overflowing lard bucket.

I implore you, owners of jean shorts….Stop this travesty at once! Throw out your pair of jean shorts and pick up some cargoes or put on pants.

And for God’s sake….no Speedos either!

Another complaint that has nothing to do with summer...
Why do people want to wear their cell phones on the outside of their pants?!

Seriously, I cannot figure this out. Maybe in the first year before everyone had a pocket-sized cell phone, you could use a belt clip to show it off to your friends. Now, however, every dickhead with $39.95 has got one.

It is not unique to posses a cell phone and it is obnoxious and in bad taste to wear one on one's belt. It does NOT make you important or cool. It just makes you look like you should be at a Star Trek convention.

There is no discrimination for cell phone belt wearers. From the old Nokias to the newest Blackberries people are sporting these eyesores with more and more frequency.

Why can’t they bring back the phone backpack (a.k.a. "the Zach Morris")? At least with that it made sense why you would carry it around with a shoulder strap, it was too damn big to put anywhere else.

And for God's sake, your Nelly ring tone is annoying, outdated and stupid. Please put the phone on vibrate and put it in your pocket.

The Cubs Suck and its Baker's Fault

My response to ESPN's Gene Wojciechowski's ludicrous article that pities Dusty Baker:
View WoJo's article here: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?Columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=2511798


Mr. Wojciechowski,

I read your column today on not blaming Dusty Baker for the Cub's woes this season. Frankly, I disagree with you completely.

Yes, McPhail and Hendry deserve some of the blame, but they aren't in the game making the decisions every day, as Baker is.

As a life long Cubs fan, I have witnessed every horror imaginable on the baseball field. From the Black cat to Bartman. But this, Baker's tenure, is an utter, complete and total managerial failure.

To blame it on injuries is even more ridiculous then blaming the GM for the manager's mistakes.

Injuries to pitching and to Derrek Lee have been devastating for the Cubs, but the Yankees have had similar problems in the past and have been able to weather the storm to make the playoffs every year. Why can't we?

Giants fans saw it in San Fran and Cubs fans have seen it in Chicago. Dusty Baker makes bad decisions on the field.

Lets go back to that infamous Bartman game (not because I want to, but it proves a point)...
Prior is on the mound pitching a beauty, I mean a J-E-M JEM. The Cubs are up, there's one out in the 8th he is cruising. Then Bartman happens, then Alex Gonzales makes an awful (so awful) error at shortstop. All of the sudden the bases are loaded and Prior, being a young inexperienced pitcher is feeling the heat, and is shaken. Anyone at the ball park can see it, anyone at home can see it. And now hes got to deal with I-Rod and D-Lee who can sense his fear.

What does Baker do?

NOTHING!

Does he call time? NO. Does he talk to Prior to calm him down? NO. Does he use the old baseball adage "just get this guy out?" NO. NO. NO.

What he does do is leave an inexperienced pitcher in a clutch situation facing the two toughest Marlins hitters after a freak play and an error from a defensive shortstop without at least breaking up the action.

It makes me sick. Literally. You know that feeling where the blood runs out of your face and into your stomach? That's what it felt like. When Pudge then D-Lee got their hits it was over, the series was over and Cubs fans knew it. Wood didn't have the gas in game 7.

But that is just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.
He sticks with lousy players that don't produce. The main culprit being Neifi Perez, whose career was over before Baker saved him in SF. Apparently no one thought he could play, and they were right.

He's awful and Baker wants to start him.

Baker constantly makes excuses for himself and his players. Yeah injuries are a problem, but you are the manager, you have other players that can play, pitchers that can pitch (Maddux, Zambrano and the surprise Marshall), so make some adjustments and win some games! That's what its all about, make the adjustments, no more excuses.

If you didn't get your coulmn in on time for lets say, 66% of the time and blamed it on an injury or were hostile to your bosses, you'd be fired too. Thats life...DEAL WITH IT.

The Cubs have one of the highest payrolls in baseball and this includes good players like Pierre and Ramirez, who aren't producing. I blame the manager for this too. These guys are good, and they have proved it before. It is up to the manager to motivate them. Mix it up, take the guy out for a game, bring in an Austrialian free throw coach, do SOMETHING.

One guy in pro football brought an axe into the locker room. It backfired, but at least he was trying.

It hurts me to say this, but if Tony LaRussa was managing the Cubs, even with all of the injuries, they would at least be a .500 team. LaRussa doesn't tolerate players that don't produce (Womack), manages pitching and makes wise game time decisions. Motivation? LaRussa's rep proceeds him, and he knows how to motivate.

In closing let me just say that I agree that there is enough blame to go around. Hendry, McPhail and the players deserve strong criticism. In this case, however, let the main responsibility fall where it belongs. On Dusty Baker, an overrated manager who makes excuses and poor game time decisions.

At least allow me that.

Sincerely,

KMS (no really)