Dear reader:
Today is yet another in which I have become frustrated, no infuriated, by the elements of society around me. For this reason, I have decided to give a list of reasons why Washington DC is a terrible place.
Please keep in mind that I am aware that there is already a blog called "why I hate DC", this entry has nothing to do whatsoever with that blog. Rather, it is a much overdue expression of how I have felt about this butthole of a city since I moved here in 2004. The list is in order of annoyance from least annoying to most annoying.
Reasons Washington DC SUCKSHomeless people/vagrantsFirst off, let me say that I have come to accept the swath of homeless that cuts through DC. They always have been and always will be part of this city. As a second disclaimer, I understand fully that many of these people are mentally ill or one or two bad choices away from having a better life. HOWEVER...There are those amongst the Washington DC homeless population (which is high) who probably live a better life than many of DC's hard working Mexicans/El Salvadorans/Guatemalans. They are the ones that I don't like. These are the guys who stand outside the metro station each day with new shoes on, a cig in the mouth, a cup of Joe in one hand and a 'please help' or charity cup outstretched in the other hand. These people disgust me.
Money enough for cigarettes, coffee and often new clothes but not enough motivation to get off your ass and get a job? I call these assholes the 'professional homeless' the only thing they are missing is health insurance and a 401k (which for all I know they already have).
I saw a guy yesterday who was having the time of his life being homeless (and by the looks of him he was eating well too). In one hand he had a small makeshift fishing pole with a bucket attached to the end. In the other hand he had made a cardboard arrow with the word 'money' on the side. He was singing some nonsensical song about how everyone should give him money and loving every minute of it. I couldn't help but let out an, "are you kidding me" as I walked by.
Still, even the professional homeless are one of the least annoying things about DC. There's also...
CrimeIt is well known that Washington DC is a crime-ridden rat-infested drug cesspool. Although in the past several years it has relinquished its title of 'US Murder Capital' and has seen Marion Barry and his crack smoking prostitute-banging ass out of office; it remains one of the most criminal cities in America. No area is safe from malcontents in DC.
Just the other night, at around 10pm, I received a visitor at my buzzer. When I asked what this person wanted, he proceeded to feed me some bullshit about how he was a student at Howard University Law School trying to work his way through school by selling Thin Mints. THIN MINTS! Doesn't everyone in America know that these are sold by girlscouts and not law students! In my old apartment, there was a heroin den a few doors down. And both these places are supposedly in a 'nice' neighborhood in NW DC.
Routinely beatings and muggings occur in the Adams Morgan neighborhood (which is a strip of bars and clubs along 18th street in NW DC). Many of the crimes are committed by children as young as 14 years old. A month ago, the Washington Post published an article on this trend, called 'unking' where boys as young as 12 were talking about how they jumped drunk pedestrians in Adams Morgan and knocked them out for their money. 12 YEARS OLD! And that's not even including the countless murders, rapes and drug deals that go on here. Even the preppies at Georgetown aren't safe from robberies, throat slitting and shootouts.
Still, when I moved out here, I knew that high crime was a given. As long as you are careful and alert, the crime can be a lot less aggravating than....
OverpopulationThis city is too fucking small and there are too many people living in and around it. Forget traveling on the beltway or driving on any major street in the city from 3:30 until 7pm or on a nice weekend. People are coming and going from Maryland and Virginia, some even commuting from as far as Baltimore and Annapolis everyday. There simply isn't enough space for all these people.
Problems also arise on the weekends when every single decent bar and restaurant is packed past capacity, thereby making enjoying yourself completely impossible. This is what happens when you have the French build your city. Yet, still not as horrid as...
PoliticiansScum, absolute and total scum. I truly believe that if constituents knew what their elected representatives really were like, they not only would have not elected them, but would they would have tarred and feathered them. People from small American towns don't realize that for politicians, DC is like Vegas. You get elected, go to DC for a few years, have torrid affairs, break as many laws as possible, embezzle, take bribes, do drugs and throw a party in honor of themselves. Then when you go back home to Cedar Rapids Iowa, it’s like it never happened. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?
I'm not going to waste time writing about the obvious failings and scandals of the last two presidential administrations that would be a cop out. But those problems are stark reminders of what all politicians are like: camera-whore-bribe-hungry-souless degenerates.
As unbelievable as it may seem, the politicians still aren't as bad as...
People who work in politics/lobbyistsSelf-righteous pieces of shit. I simply cannot stand these people. The politicians are at least expected to be dirty and full of themselves, they have people tell them all day long how great they are. With these people, it’s like they have a constant competition between each other to decide who is more important. The reality is that none of them is really that important at all.
They dress poorly; have bad haircuts and terrible manners. No, your job as a congressional aide does not make you better than me. It doesn't make you any different from any other working stiff with a shit job other that you are forced to not only your bosses ass, but the asses of just about anybody who your boss decides you should kiss.
I hope you get giardia from the fecal matter on your lips and die of dehydration.
Also lobbyists think that because they are legally allowed to bribe government officials that this somehow makes them part of the government or essential to its function. Look people, if you weren't doing it, some other kiss ass state college grad would be OK? So quit acting like the world fucking revolves around you, because it doesn't.
Horrid, I know, but even these dickheads aren't as bad as...
YuppiesDouchebags with a capital D. I mean what can you say about yuppies other than they just really suck and that they are idolized by Georgetown students? I am really at a loss for words, but I think on the whole, they should all move back to Connecticut or Delaware or wherever the fuck they immigrated from and stay there until their dying day. If I never saw one of these people again for the rest of my life I could die a happy man.
Yes, yuppies are bad, but not quite as bad as...
Liberals This town is literally swimming with smarmy liberal Bill Maher wanna-bes. These people cheer when election results come in; they make placards and hold them up to the TV during a presidential debate. They do so many things that should be punishable by death. This category includes people who support Ralph Nadar and the incredible moron LaRouche. I mean these people might as well just start a DC chapter of the Branch Davidians. That's how fucking crazy they are.
But hey, liberals go with the territory, they can be found in almost any major city/capital city. Almost equal, but slightly worse than liberals are...
ConservativesLiars. Filthy deceiving agenda-having slandering liars. I don't think hate is a strong enough word. I'm gonna go with loathe. Yep. I absolutely loathe these cockholes. They fight dirty and they are always fighting. I guess that makes them always dirty. The thing that bothers me the most about conservatives is that they present lies as the truth, then defend them with more lies and ad homonym outbursts.
The worst part of this is that it often works. Made all the more sickening by...
The weatherThe weather in DC can be surmised by one word. Atrocious. Although the winters are relatively mild compared to say Minneapolis or Chicago, the weather is still quite bad. The summer, for example, is the absolute worst time of year to be in DC. Again, credit the French for brilliantly building this city on top of a festering swamp. Merci beaucoup, assholes. The sweltering heat and near 100% daily humidity literally melt you dead in your tracks. Sweat stains of all shapes and sizes appear on even the skinniest congressional pages. It’s the kind of heat that drains you mentally and physically and makes you feel like you should live somewhere colder.
Let's not forget about the winter though. Although this year is unusually warm, most winters are pretty awful here. For one, the public works here is almost non-existent. When it snows over a quarter of an inch, the streets are covered (sometimes 2 or 3 days too late) with sand instead of salt. By then the damage is done already.
Additionally, the people here have a hard time dealing with the cold weather and panic when they see a snowflake or feel a chill in the air. Usually, the snow melts pretty fast after it falls, causing dirty slush water to creep into every last crevice of the city. Then, people panic over the water.
Hard to take, I know. But now nearly as bad as...
"Well connected" peopleOh really? You know Colin Powell's cousin's roomate? Seriously, I give a fuck. Again, this does not make you important. DC is filled with well known political figures from all over the globe. The fact that you know them or hung out with them one time at Cafe Milano really does nothing to improve your awful personality.
Please fee free to cross reference these people with any of the others referenced in this list. Often you meet people who work for a liberal or conservative that think that they are well connected.
Wow! You worked for Tommy Thompson when you were at the University of Wisconsin? You wanna know something; you are still a fat cow from Wisconsin. And the people that actually do have connections, and some power, they are just as bad because they are usually corrupt and influential and won't let you forget what happens to you if you mess with them.
Yes, and often they work for that monstrosity known as...
The GovernmentColossal waste of money, colossal waste of time, colossal waste of everything. How anything ever gets done is amazing to me. There are people who do nothing but sit around and read, or simply sleep away the day. Nothing like collecting taxpayer's money for a daily siesta. No wonder people don't want to pay taxes.
A friend of mine told me a story once about a colleague of theirs that got caught stealing money from the government to by crack rock and wasn't fired! And this wasn't a first offense either.
The longer I live here, the more I work in a government agency and meet people who do the same, the more jaded and bitter I become. Thanks a lot US Government!
It doesn't end there, there's still...
Foreigners/EurotrashLook Ricardo, this isn't Rio or Chile or whatever. This is fucking America, so stop being such a chach. Please, please, please. I don't think I can take another low class pub being turned into a 'dance party' with no dance floor. These people think every bar/restaurant that is open late is a 'disco.'
Newsflash, disco is dead. The term is used on foreign soil because most foreign countries (read: France) are stuck in the '70's/'80s/Middle Ages. I will say though, that the shwarma and falafel is absolutely delicious.
Oh Eurotrash, there is only one other Washington phenomenon that I despise more than you, and that is...
InternsInterns, or 'locusts' as they are known locally, are hands down the worst part of Washington. It’s not just that they are young, drunk and stupid. Oh no. They have the uncanny ability to mix with the other terrible traits of DC in just the wrong way as to make it completely unbearable. Allow me to extrapolate: Interns generally arrive in the summer, a time of stifling heat and humidity. The city, as previously mentioned, is already packed to capacity with vagrants and criminals of all sizes. The interns come in and make every crowded bar four times as crowded and ten times as hot. You might as well just stay home and have a pina colada in front a window AC unit.
In turn, interns often are spotted supporting the professional homeless or encouraging them in some terrible way like bumfights.com.
Third, interns usually arrive at some unimportant internship with an over inflated sense of self-importance/political slant/connection to an 'important' figure. Thus, they can again be grouped with the other groups that make DC the disaster that it is. Look guy, the internship at that you found on Idealist.org is not going to make a goddamn lick of a difference in the world, so please fucking get over it and get over your horrible self.
For those that may be thinking of doing a summer internship here, don't.
And that, my friends, is what makes DC so unbearable.*
*Note on Resident CraziesSeriously, it wouldn't be Washington without that guy who camps out in front of the White House with placards that say, "the CIA created Catholic Church pedophiles" would it? I mean cut these people some slack, OK. It is real the flavor of the city for Godssakes
