The Twelve Worst TV Football Commentators

I watch a lot of football. I watch football pretty much all weekend long because I love the game. Despite the love that I give to football, there are many problems with it. To name a few: the roughing the passer penalty in the NFL, the BCS, prima-donna players, and the general asshole-ness of the coaches.

OK, I can take all of that bullshit because despite all that stuff football is still an awesome spectacle of athleticism, toughness and competition. You want to have shitty rules and people with bad attitudes in the game? Fine, as long as the play is good, which it generally is. One thing I will not tolerate though is when people OFF THE FIELD ruin my football watching experience.
Oh, how I loathe bad announcing. Not only does it take away from the game, but it really generally just makes me angry because they are ruining something that I enjoy and are getting paid for it.

No longer will I sit silently by and put up with the nonsense that is the TV football commentator. Consider this post as payback for all those hours I spent listening to the 'me' talk from former players and the overanalysis and all that other pointless shit that is now associated with football broadcasts.

As a caveat to this, I have included a few personalities that do more pre-and post game commentary. The reason that they are given a spot of honor is because they somehow manage to ruin the game after it’s already over. A few are no longer announcers (thank God) but are included because at some point they were and at that time, they were really, really bad.

Here they are.....

The Twelve WORST TV Football Announcers

12. Dennis Miller

Does anyone understand what the hell this guy is talking about? How could MNF really think that putting a bearded babbling ranter like Miller on primetime would increase ratings? Its hard enough paying attention to his comedy, which by the way is hasn't been any good in like 7 or 8 years. And Dennis, I did know that the football shape was called an ellipsoid and yet how is that funny or relevant to anything going on the field. What? Are you speaking Mandarin Chinese? You realize there is a football game going on here, don't you? Give me a break. Thankfully we are no longer subjected to this crap.

11. Nick Lachey

I know, I know. He only did commentary for a short time before they fired him, but he's just such a colossal chach/d-bag. He is such a d-bag that he made this list after only being on TV for about fifteen minutes. What kind of a fucked up place is TV when a guy who is famous for nothing but marrying a hot piece of ass would get a job commentating about college football? I mean neither has anything to do with the other. I wanted to put him higher but he just wasn't on the air long enough. I really really hope someone (in addition to Nick) got fired for this because this was just down right stupid. What a joke, what a horrible terrible joke.

She's still so hot.

10. Shannon Sharpe

Guy on the set of CBS football: "Hey, what happened to my marbles? They were here a minute ago. I was really looking forward to playing a nice game of marbles, yet they are nowhere to be found. Hey guys, has anyone seen my marbles?"

Shannon Sharpe: "Burp."

Not only does this guy sound like he learned to talk with ten clothespins attached to his tongue, but he tries to make up for it by speeding up what he is saying. Shannon, dude, talking faster is not going to make a better point, it just going to confuse us more. Do us all a favor and stop this travesty at once. He was a helluva player though.

9. Joe Buck

Joe Buck: "Hey Dad, I sure do like sports. But I don't think I could make it on my own in the competitive world of TV broadcasting."

Joe Buck Sr.:"Don't worry son, Mom and I will make sure you never have to earn a living."

Joe Buck: "Won't that mean I'll have to be humble and thankful for my career and do a really good job?"

Joe Buck Sr.: "No son, you can just give a load of bullshit when they interview you about how great I was and how you consider yourself so lucky. Then you totally bomb the broadcast, I mean totally bomb. Feel free to openly root against teams that you don't like and act like an expert on sports you know very little about."

Joe Buck: "OK Dad, I love you."

Joe Buck Sr.: "Yeah whatever, don't forget to be a colossal tool box when you announce and always do what your mom says...no matter what." [Joe Buck Sr. takes his last gasp of air then dies and immediately begins rolling in his grave]

8. Mike Ditka

Hey, let me tell you something about Mike Ditka. He is a fucking clown. C-L-O-W-N. I wouldn't be surprised if he dressed up like Bozo if they paid him enough. The only people that take this moron seriously are the waiters at his Chicago restruant, and even they take orders with a snicker. Also, I'm pretty sure that he has at least one glass of Johnny Walker Red neat and a fat cigar at every commercial break. Just so you know, I love the '85 Bears, but let me quote Da Coach himself, "A trained monkey could've coached that team to a super bowl." Too bad they couldn't find one.

7. John Clayton/Sean Salisbury

I put these two together because they are so bad that they count as half a person each.

Is it me or does John Clayton look like a mutated snowman? How does a guy who obviously never played the sport of football (or any sport at all), with a face that could kill a horse get to be on television as an EXPERT? Can he even lift his arms?

I mean what did the producer say when he was looking at this guy's portfolio?
"Well, he certainly doesn't have the looks. And God knows he sure hasn't played sports, nor does he have any inside knowledge of the game. Man this guy is ugly. Yep he'd be great for television, call his agent."

He looks like a regurgitated fetus and he is on television. Is this fucking bizzaro land? Am I the only person that finds this patently offensive? I mean, at least put him on the radio so we don’t have to look at his crack-baby visage.

And his partner in crime, the incredible moron that is Sean Salisbury. I thought that this guy played football somewhere. I also thought that to play football meant that you actually would know something about the sport that you played. But not Sean, he spends most of his time yelling at fetus-face and eating cookie dough. I don't think that he has ever successfully predicted the outcome of a football game, done any actual real reporting or anything useful whatsoever. Will someone please tell me what this guy brings to the table because I honestly don't know what it is?

6. Paul Maguire

Here's another guy who loves the firewater. Either that or he is high on drugs. What else could explain why he is so consistently wrong about what is going on the field? He is obviously tripping his balls off, or is mentally retarded. These are the only two plausible explanations. He also sounds like he is trying to squeeze a potato out of his asshole.

5. Lou Holtz
Can you say homer? He is old; he looks like Dumbo and somehow deludes himself into thinking that he is still the coach of Notre Dame. Listening to this guy call a game is about as exciting as watching the polar icecaps melt; only the icecaps don't insult their co-hosts. I'm hoping that he has some reasonable explanation for why he talks so damn slow and mumbles so much. It's entirely possible that he had a stroke and no one noticed. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll have another one and release us from the misery that is Lou Holtz the announcer.

This is the best picture ever.

4. 'Boomer' Esiason
Is anyone more self involved? How this guy parlayed one good season as a football player into an announcing career is absolutely beyond me. And he wasn't even that great. He had Icky Woods*, the fastest door-to-door salesman in history. I have never, in one sitting, heard someone use the word 'me' so many times. Absolutely atrocious. He probably has a lot of pictures of himself and masturbates to them.

3. Michael Irvin

If there's a player in the NFL who is an asshole; you'd better believe Irvin is his boy. If there is a player in the NFL who is a criminal, Irvin is his boy. If there is a player in the NFL who loves to smoke the rock, Mike Irvin is his BOY. T.O. and Irvin are so close they are practically conjoined twins (imagine what a monster that would be).

Michael Irvin makes me feel physically ill.

He is a womanizing scumbag, dresses like a pimp, and is generally a loudmouth attention-whore cockhole. What really chaps my ass about this guy is that he thinks that because he does a few lines of coke with some of the current players, that he is somehow still in the NFL, has credibility and is respected by the viewer.

Michael Irvin, you are a worthless piece of shit. Please never speak again because if I have to hear your forced laugh or terrible analysis one more time, I'm gonna go fucking postal. I wish Ditka was still a man, because if he was he would tear your rat bastard arm off and beat within an inch of your life. Maybe we can get Howie Long to do it.

Oh yeah, you are always wrong. KYS.

2. Rush Limbaugh
Racist, blowhard, sycophant, cocksucker. Again, many firings warranted for this debacle of an announcing career. I think he is actually the gay prostitute that Ted Haggard had a relationship with all those years. I absolutely love that he is a drug addict. Fuck you Rush Limbaugh; you are what’s wrong with America.

1. Joe Theisman

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you....and oh yeah, I really fucking hate you. Is there anyone on the face of the earth more full of himself than this guy? Little known fact: His last name is actually pronounced THEEZEMAN and he changed it in college so that he would have a better chance at winning the Heisman Trophy (i.e. “Theisman for Heisman”). Way to sell out your heritage Joe you fucking self righteous bastard. Not only did he not win the trophy, but he kept calling himself that. That has got to be the most arrogant egotistical thing anyone has ever done in the history of mankind. He actually believes that he should be able to deterimine the rules of the NFL, so terrible.

In addition, this asshole is never, ever wrong. Even when he is obviously wrong he won't admit it. He's like the moron on Cops that gets out of the car with no shirt on, soaked in vodka who is inevitably busted with crystal meth but just can't accept that he's busted and lies his ass off anyway. I'd bet that a few hits of crystal meth would actually improve Thiesman's commentary though, it’s that bad.

And please stop talking about your playing days PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.


Special Note on John Madden

OK, a lot of people hate this guy for his completely asinine babblings about 'cancles' and thousands of other Maddenisms that make little to no sense. But you know what? He's pretty damn entertaining. Yeah he's old, and probably a bit senile, but he did coach the RAIDAZ to a Super Bowl championship, 112 wins, and a Coach of the Year award. And despite what it may sound like, he knows what he is talking about. He just doesn't really ruin the game for me. Not to mention that we wouldn’t have the wonders of Tinactin and Ace Hardware without this guy. Also, don't forget that without John Madden the announcer there would be no John Madden the video game. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't want to live in a world no Madden for the Xbox.


Honorable Mention: Bryant Gumble, Tony Kornheiser, Lee Corso, Chris Collinsworth


*the Icky shuffle is fucking amazing