Of Jean Shorts and Cell Phone Belt Clips

Ah summer....
It’s the time of year for vacations, suntans, bathing suits, beaches and all manner of joyous distractions from work.

Even those living in traditionally cold climates break out the Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts for a few brief months to stave off the oppressive heat.

In my experience, the summer is also the time when you see the most appealing and also the strangest clothing of any season. In the hot weather there is no real reason to wear the bulky accoutrements of the winter spring or fall. Who wears a scarf or a windbreaker in 110 degree heat and 80% humidity (besides the homeless of course)? No one, that’s who. This is the time of year when people find all kinds of ways to wear less clothing, from cutoff shirts to jogging shorts, in the summer, less is better.

This brings me to the impetus for this post....
WHY JEAN SHORTS?!?!

I mean, I understand the logic. It's the same logic that Ron Shleplotchnik, the sweaty Polish immigrant jean short inventor, used when he came up with the idea while casing sausage meat on the South Side of Chicago:

"Man its hot in this sausage casing factory. I wish it were winter so I wouldn't be so hot and uncomfortable in these normally glorious skin tight jeans.....Hmmmm (glances over at a pair of sausage shears lying on the butcher block)."

It only makes sense that someone like the foreword thinking Shleplotchnik would take the next logical step and cut the leggings off of jeans. People like jeans, they wear them everyday. It is acceptable to wear them to the office. They are comfortable. The summer is uncomfortable. You want do get that jean comfort during the summer months. However, jeans are hot. People wear shorts in the summer, which are better in hot weather. It would only make more sense to combine the comfort of the jean with the breezy coolness of the short. Right?

ABSOLUTLEY NOT!!!

There is never an excuse for the abomination that is the jean short. Not only are they unsightly, but they also trigger heuristic impulses in the general public that cause them to assume that 1) you are redneck white trash 2) this is your first time wearing shorts 3) you are a white wanna-be gangsta 4) you are mentally impaired 4) you are a child molester or 5) you are redneck white trash.

Not to mention overweight people who pile into them revealing lily-white plump, varicose vein covered thighs and calves reminiscent of an overflowing lard bucket.

I implore you, owners of jean shorts….Stop this travesty at once! Throw out your pair of jean shorts and pick up some cargoes or put on pants.

And for God’s sake….no Speedos either!

Another complaint that has nothing to do with summer...
Why do people want to wear their cell phones on the outside of their pants?!

Seriously, I cannot figure this out. Maybe in the first year before everyone had a pocket-sized cell phone, you could use a belt clip to show it off to your friends. Now, however, every dickhead with $39.95 has got one.

It is not unique to posses a cell phone and it is obnoxious and in bad taste to wear one on one's belt. It does NOT make you important or cool. It just makes you look like you should be at a Star Trek convention.

There is no discrimination for cell phone belt wearers. From the old Nokias to the newest Blackberries people are sporting these eyesores with more and more frequency.

Why can’t they bring back the phone backpack (a.k.a. "the Zach Morris")? At least with that it made sense why you would carry it around with a shoulder strap, it was too damn big to put anywhere else.

And for God's sake, your Nelly ring tone is annoying, outdated and stupid. Please put the phone on vibrate and put it in your pocket.