You are a Chach

Many people are unaware of exactly what a "chach" (pronounced cha-ch) is exactly. However, this is something that we should all know about. We can then protect ourselves from this social menace.

A chach is basically the biggest douche that you can possibly imagine. Usually these guys can be spotted at clubs that have one word names like "love" or "fur" dancing with anything that moves. Most chaches are completely aware of their lameness, yet do not care. In fact they often do it on purpose. Other terms for these people, such as chachbag or chachball, are equally descriptive and acceptable.

Please read below on how to tell if you are a chach....

You are a chach if you have a cartelige pierce. No it's not cool, you look like a confused thirteen year old girl.

You are a chach if you wear Armani Exchange clothing. This clothing is not for men, it is for women, thats why its Italian.

If your name is Ty Pennigton, you are the chach king. Seriously, you are the biggest d-bag I have ever seen. Also, you are incredibly annoying. I wish the brick layers from your stupid build-a-house reality show would bury you in the foundation of your latest "home building miracle." The drawback to that is that your chachiness would most definately rub off on the poor unknowing inhabitants of the house, creating young leather panted chaches.

Chaches can't resist hitting on women; and they love rejection, it makes them feel chachier. If you can't enter a bar or club without spewing some immature sexual reference to a woman's pleather pants, you are a chach.

If you have a barbed wire/Chinese symbol/ankle/shoulder blade/snoopy/leprechaun/smurf tattoo, you are a chach. Admit it, you got a tattoo just so you could say that you got one and you got it there so that it wouldn't screw up your interview at J.P. Morgan. You make me sick.

You are a chach if you are European. Sorry dude, Europeans are chaches, they were born that way. Maybe you should put on some deodorant and unglue your hand from that fat girls' backside.

PDA makes you a chach. Even if you are not European, or don't posses any of the previously outlined chach qualities, you are a huge chach if you participate in PDA. I mean get a goddamn room. No one wants to watch you French kiss Kathy Bates over there.

If you introduce yourself by your lame college nickname, you are a gigantic chach. Example: "Nice to meet you, my name is Tom."
"Nice to meet you Tom, I'm Boner." No your name is chach. Now fuck off.

Chaches love drama, and not the good Braveheart type of drama (even though Mel Gibson is a huge chach), but lame stupid petty drama a la 'I lost my cell phone that's why I couldn't call you back.' Bullshit, chach.

If you blowdry your hair, you are most obviously a chach. Here's some advice for you: take a nice warm bath with your long chachy blowdried hair and drop the blowdryer in the tub.

Chaches love techno music. It enables them to distract smelly European women long enough to slip a rufee in their Smirnoff Ice. Paul Okenfold is the music God of all chaches.

Chaches shave their chests. This could be the ultimate act of chachiness. Be a man, deal with your body hair.

If you still talk about your fraternity, there is no doubt, you are the worst kind of chach. College is over, asshole. If you haven't gotten over your homophobia and social insecurities by now, you should probably just give up on life all together. By the way, all secret handshakes are the same, and they were invented by gays.

So there you have it. This list is by no means exhaustive. If you would like to share some other chachy qualifications, please post them as comments. If you read this article and were offended, you are probably a gigantic chachball. If you thought this was funny, you probably understand where I am coming from on this one.

What's Up Chuck?

I know the question on everyone's mind.

"Why is Chuck Norris so fantasitic?"

Well, the answer to this question is complicated. One might say that its because he fought Bruce Lee, or Joe Piscapo. Perhaps its his attempts emulate Charles Bronson. Or it could be because of his phenominal acting skills and his uncanny ability to sell the Total Gym without staring non-stop at Christie Brinkley. Whatever the arguement, there is no denying Norris' grip on the American people.

You'll find the most cohesive arguement presented below, which I recieved as an email forward by someone who knows about this kind of thing: a paralegal.



30 Reasons Why Chuck Norris is an American Icon

1-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while shewas flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought astillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, ChuckNorris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

5-Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but ChuckNorris can kill him and take it.

6-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris insteaddecided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter hegrew a beard.

7-Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

8-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets =theinformation he wants.

9-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soulback. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

11-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much could a woodchuck chuck if a woodcuch could chuck wood. He yelled: "YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend\'s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized theirony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within ahundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

12-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

13-There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

15-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

16-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

17-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds ofcancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,Lance Armstrong.

18-There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

19-Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

20-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

21-Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

22-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order aretrademarked names for his left and right legs.

23-Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a highschool football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhousedkicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

24-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

25-The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "ChuckNorris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

26-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

27-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die fromcholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

28-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her andsaying "booya".

29-Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick relateddeaths have increased 13,000 percent.

30-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.--

Why KMS?

You may be wondering what KMS stands for and why someone might use that name for a blog. A good question. The main reason that this abbreviation was chosen is because the preferred term, KYS, was taken.

But what does it mean?

Well, for now we'll leave our readers to guess the meaning of the term. But hopefully, after a few posts people will have figured it out.

Be assured that any post published to this site will indeed be any combination of cynical, asinine, glorious, obscene or just plain aggravating.

Enjoy!

Oh, by the way, kms....