You know what really pisses me off? (part one of many)

BATHROOM ATTENDANTS

I mean seriously.

Every wanna-be, Euro-trash club in every major city has one. But why?

And why the hell should I pay a guy to hold a towel from me and smile at my after I've just pissed?

Is inflation really that bad? This was free the last time I checked

Am I the only person who finds this profession not only disturbing but extremely annoying?

I don't know about the rest of you, but for me having a piece of Wrigley's spearmint shoved in my face 2 seconds after I've just finished handling my junk, is not only confusing but morally reprehensible.

I don't even want to know the kind of service that they give to people after having just taken a deuce.

Only in America could a man make a living watching other men go to the bathroom

These guys have seen more cocks than a chicken farmer.

What goes through their heads?

"Well, I didn't get the bartender or server job, so I think that matron is a logical third choice."

"Ok this guy looks like he just had a big dinner. Wait...he's loosening his belt...He is definitely going to take a shit. YES! He's going into the stall; this could be my big score. I'd better put on my creepiest face for him when he gets out. Even better, I'll just stand in front of the stall door with my tray and smile until he opens the door."

"I can't talk right now, I'm busy at work....What am I doing? I'm arranging gum sticks in a fan shape. I told you I can't talk, I still have to sort through the wet wipes and organize the cologne alphabetically."

"Would you like some complimentary lotion sir...No for your hands...no you can’t borrow the bottle."

Not to mention spending your whole night in a men's bathroom. I couldn't imagine a worse place to be, except maybe a college frat house bathroom.

Speaking of frat houses, there's always one asshole that makes friends with the bathroom attendant. This guy is obviously a drunk/coked up/gay frat boy. I understand this less than the bathroom attendant themselves. The attendant is actually getting paid so there is some logic there. The friendly frat guy on the other hand is obviously high and/or stupid. What excuse does the frat guy have? He really likes bathrooms? Here have a mentos...G-d it’s so wrong.

The worst is when they give you that weird bathroom-guy look like, "Hey just watched you urinate, though you might this wet nap. Oh, and help yourself to a chicklet. By the way, how about giving me a dollar?"

In the words of the immortal Ted Striker, "Surely you can't be serious?"

In sum, to all the bathroom attendants out there...
I am NOT giving you money.
I do NOT want to talk to you.
I do NOT want to you to look at my penis.

PLEASE leave me be, you are nothing but a glorified beggar.