Return of The Blog: What I do all day

It has been almost six months since I have written anything of note on this blog. To all 3 dedicated readers, I sincerely apologize.

Recently, however, I have been inspired by fellow bloggers online and common feeling of ennui that I share with them and all cubicle jockies across the great US of A. Mostly though, a friend of mine--lets call him Joe--has given me shit for not writing enough and complaining too much about things.

OK Joe, I got the message and here comes a killer blog... What I do all day


Let me just preface this blog by saying that I don't know how anything ever gets accomplished in the government...ever. The strange thing is that there are some extremely talented and smart people who work there. Go figure.

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That done here is a rundown of my typical day in an unnamed government agency (not CIA).

8:00-8:10am: Finish breakfast hot pocket, sigh, curse the 8 hour workday, leave for work

8:30-8:42: Arrive at downtown government office building. Regard large, drab concrete building, and think to self, "why does this place look so much like a prison?" Answer self, "obviously it was built in the 70's"

8:45am: Sign in, avoid anyone that I work with, sneak to desk and start computer

8:50am: Open up personal email accounts, espn.com, cnn.com, bbc.co.uk and any other sites unrelated to work

8:52am: Take 20 minute bathroom break, pulp novel in hand, for a 'number 2' (usually you get the bathroom to yourself until 9am when most people get in), get awkward looks from everyone who sees me leaving the bathroom with a 600 page book in my hand

9:10am: Return to cube, check personal email, open some more non-work related websites, try not to open porn pages, fail, realize it doesn't matter, these pages are blocked by the ingenious government security system anyway

9:13am and 30 seconds: Computer crashes, old Windows OS cannot handle so many EI or firefox windows open at the same time

9:13 and 31 secondts-9:18am: Wait for reboot, open non-work related browser windows again, attempt to wait to watch CNN videos, check personal email, begin opening work related emails, but don't read, too much work (plus that little envelope that keeps popping up is really annoying when you are trying to read about sports)

9:18-11:ooam: Check personal emails, send hateful messages to friends across the country busy with actual work and/or law school, scowl, wish that I could go to the bathroom to read some more, check personal emails, respond to angry messages from said friends across the country

11:00am-12/12:30pm: Possible meeting depending on the day of week. If I am unlucky this meeting will be a conference call. In this case, I will call the number and listen to about 15 minutes of the call, then tune out and continue to surf the web. Every once and a while I will break in with an asinine question based on the previous 30 seconds of conversation. Usually, this is met with a lengthy and overblown response, I then return to ESPN motion.

If I am really unlucky this will be an on-site staff meeting with feds and other contractors in some dingy, barely lit 70's style conference room with stains on the floor. If this is the case, then I will arrive at least 5 minutes late. Sit down and tune out the conversation. Often I daydream that I am in a hot air balloon floating over rolling hills, or that I am at a tropical beach somewhere. And just when I thought that the meeting couldn’t get any longer, that GUY (we all know him), cuts in two minutes before the scheduled end of the meeting with, "Just a couple more important points." I then emit a loud groan and roll my eyes. Napping is also a possibility, it is generally ignored by others because it happens so much.

NEVER does any of the meeting content have anything to do with the 'project' I'm currently supposed to be working on.

LUNCHTIME!!!! 12pm-Whenever (usually not longer than 2.5 hours): Usually, what I will do is grab my book and eat in the cafeteria upstairs or outside. On those days in the cafeteria, it is best to strategically place oneself away from the hoards of overweight-mustachioed-bad-weave-wearing-loudlmouthed-hideous-soap-opera-watching women littered around the lunchroom. I'm not kidding, they watch days of our lives in the lunchroom and the volume is set to fucking 11!

At the same time one must watch one's feet as not to get run over by one of the aforementioned she-bulls or have their toe severed by a rascal or wheelchair whizzing by. Also there is one woman that you must watch out for--and she is known by all throughout the building--she is how do you say...retarded? She doesn’t take kindly to you pushing the buttons in HER elevator. Nor does she enjoy bathing, deodorant and changing clothes. She'll stick with the same green sweats and floral turtle neck thank you very much! If you see her and she sees you, your lunch break is pretty much ruined.

Sometimes I just walk around outside but that is a problem since there is a homeless shelter nearby and you can’t go very far without being accosted for some change.

Anywhere from 1pm to 2:30pm: Return from lunch, continue to ignore work emails, makes some personal phone calls, check personal emails, tell friends to kys, fantasize about delicious crab sandwiches and coke classic, yearn for the ability to view porn

After lunch-4:45pm: Obsessively check personal emails clicking every 30 seconds, become embarrassed when you let out a noticeable yell of happiness when one comes, more personal phone calls, self loathing for taking this job, indifference, more self loathing, more personal email checking, clock watching, cnn video viewing, email checking

Occasionally, at this time someone asks for help on a project or if you can do a task for them. In this case, if it is unrelated to 'my project' I am forced to tell them that I am too busy and dismiss them immediately. If said task is related to my project, I will make sure to let the assigner know that it will take some time to complete as I have other things to get to.

4:45pm: Sign out, leave, curse 8 hour work day

5:10pm: Get back to apartment, make celebratory hot pocket, play Xbox in underwear for 3 hours